


Tell Me How's The Way To Be

by orphan_account



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Also dhdsrhh they TALK, Also uhh did I mention they talk in Agatha's living room, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Baz is my baby I will die for him, Because that's my life juice, I love one storm chaser from Omaha Nebraska, I love you already, If you are still reading the tags then you are a goddamn hero, Like it's all over the fucking place, M/M, Post-Book 2: Wayward Son, Shsjjaka that shit is awkward, Simon is also my baby, Spoilers for Book 2: Wayward Son, THEY FUCKING T A L K, They Talk babyyy, Wayward Son fucked me up so now we just have my wild emotions writing wild fics, angry declarations of love, baz cries in economy class, did i mention that, dude this fic is wild i told you, features the excessive use of word fuck, this fic is a MESS
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-24
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:29:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28087767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: "I just cannot understand how I managed to fuck up the best thing in my life so well. I don't know what I did that made him push me so far away from him. There are chasms of regrets and held back feelings between us and I feel I'd never be able to cross them. He's sitting next to me, there's too little space between our seats, but it feels like he's at the other end of the universe. Somewhere far, far away from me. "----Simon and Baz are heading back home to deal with more shit at Watford after their disastrous vacation in America. A fic that involves a lot of thinking, lots of tears, love and most importantly, they try the miraculous activity called talking.
Relationships: Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Comments: 2
Kudos: 42





	Tell Me How's The Way To Be

**Author's Note:**

> I don't even know pals. I legit cried writing this. Not because this fic is sad (it kinda is but not like, very sad) but because I am a trainwreck in general. Bon appetit.

**BAZ**

The ride to the airport was quiet. No one uttered a word, not even Shepard, as we all made our way back to England grimly holding our breaths and not at all eager to see the shit that's waiting for us at Watford.

Bunce has surprisingly been mum about what exactly has gone wrong for which we need to haul our arses back home in such a hurry.

"There's a lot to explain." She'd said breathlessly, clarifying why she couldn't tell us right then. "And too many people." (She'd jerked her head towards Shepard at that point, who didn't pay any attention to that)

So this is it. We are flying back home to clean up shit. Lovely that we just had an incredibly relaxing vacation, I'm feeling so charged to do this.

Especially after the conversation that happened with Simon at the beach, I really can't wait to go through something harrowing and traumatic again and have it fuck up me and him even more and shred whatever we have left between us. Whatever tatters of a relationship we have left, all those remaining threads and rags going up in fucking flames, if they haven't already.

We have nothing left except for unspoken words and regrets. I never could tell him anything, never could tell him what he means to me, what having him as my boyfriend meant to me.

Crowley, I think I am going to start weeping in the fucking economy class. That would be a new low.

I just- I just cannot understand how I managed to fuck up the best thing in my life so well. I don't know what I did that made him push me so far away from him. There are chasms of regrets and held back feelings between us and I feel I'd never be able to cross them. He's sitting next to me, there's too little space between our seats, but it feels like he's at the other end of the universe. Somewhere far, far away from me. 

I thought I had him, after years of hopelessly loving him, I thought I finally had him. I thought that once every thing would be over, Snow and I could have a happily ever after. 

Maybe there are no happily ever afters, at the end. Maybe all those princes and princesses and witches and dragons just stay fucking miserable all their lives. The storytellers just don't tell us that.

Or maybe Simon and I just weren't supposed to have a happily ever after. I mean, what kind of crazy story has the chosen one falling in love (but did he ever love me?) (fuck, I really don't want to think about that) with a fucking vampire who was also their ex nemesis?

Maybe I'm just the third person in the story of his life, the wrong one. Maybe I'm just delaying him and he'll find the real thing when he gets rid of me. The one who will know how to keep him happy and not do such a fucking miserable job of loving him properly. They'll tell him that he's their everything, that he is loved by them. 

Tell him things that I let go poetically unsaid.

Not make the mistakes that made him push me away.

Just be someone who he wants and desires and loves.

Someone who is not me.

I feel a tear trickle down my cheek and I quickly wipe it away. Fucking hell, I am _so_ not going to cry on a transatlantic flight. (In fucking _economy class,_ no less)

Leaning back on my seat with my head resting against it, I watch Simon carefully through half closed eyes so as to not get caught staring. (I'm still a creep)

His head is resting against the window and he's not really enjoying the view outside. He's just sitting, thinking... Probably thinking of ways to break up with me. Things to say that'll hurt me the least. I can't bear to look at him without feeling like my heart is going to shatter completely. I close my eyes, shutting him out and pushing my tears in.

Sometimes I feel fate or destiny or god or whoever the fuck is in charge wanted to make a joke to laugh at and they ended up creating me. They wanted to make someone who loses every time, no matter what, and here I am. 

I would have laughed right now, if I could, except I think I'll start screaming the moment I open my mouth.

Simon Snow... it hurts to even think of you. 

**SIMON**

Baz has fallen asleep on my shoulder.

I mean it had actually not happened that way. He had just gone to sleep with his head against the seat but it kind of started to nod around and I... I wanted him close. So I just shifted him a little and put his head on my shoulder. And considering that he didn't wake up when I was doing that just shows he is in a deep sleep. 

I wrap my hand around his back, pull him closer to me, wondering if I am doing it for the last time. If I am then I might as well inhale his familiar scent, might as well touch him and hold him close. Store away this version of him in my mind: snoring softly, and so warm under my touch. Where no is hurting him and where he is out of harm's way.

I had almost lost him.

I don't think I would have lived through the ache of losing him. I have lost people I loved before, but Baz? I can't even start imagining how I'd deal with it, and I've got quite good at thinking up things. The mere thought of losing him makes me shudder.

I press a quick kiss at the top of his head, grateful to have him here, before I think twice and talk myself out of it. 

Sometimes, I miss the old Simon, who would not think, just do. The Simon who had pushed his magic into Baz because it had felt right, the Simon who had kissed Baz in a burning forest because it felt right, the Simon who had kissed the hell out of Baz after years of enmity because it felt right, the Simon who had asked Baz to be his boyfriend because it _felt fucking right._

This feels right too... holding Baz like this, kissing him, letting my shoulder be his pillow. It all feels so right.

Then why can't I let myself have this?

 _Because you are a useless hybrid who is stuck between two worlds,_ supplies a small voice in my head _not a part of either. He can do better than you. You were a mage then, the most powerful mage, you had a purpose. Why will he love you now? When he can have someone like Lamb, why will he want you? He is everything you can never even dream to be and he deserves someone who is an equal, not a radioactive fallout like you. What-_

"STOP!" 

I say it out loud. Too loud, really.

For a moment, I feel panicky, wondering if Baz is awake now. But he just stirs ever so slightly in his sleep, before he starts snoring again. Thank Merlin, I did not want to leave him so soon.

But I have to. I know I have to part ways with him, I know I have to leave him. I don't have anything for him. I don't give, I just take. I thought I had defeated the humdrum, but I haven't. Not really. I just gave him a new form, a new identity, and now he lives in me. 

I can't explain this to Baz without sounding like a complete nutter so I had thought- I'd thought I'd use his unhappiness as an excuse. Tell him that I know he feels awful lugging me around like a heavy baggage and that he is free to leave me. 

_"Why can’t you see that I wouldn’t be happy anywhere without you?"_

What do I even say after that?

If he does care for me- scratch that, he _does_ care for me, how do I tell him to leave now? How do I tell him to save himself from me, from the absolute joyless shell that I have become?

But how do I let him go, when I know that he is the only one who keeps me sane, who has become the only bright light in my life? When he goes, he'll leave me blinded, with only a broken heart left in the wake. 

"You drive me nuts, Baz." I whisper, finally. My cheek is resting on top of his head and I'd rather if I say it all like this. Him asleep, me mumbling.

"You always have. In Watford, you drove me crazy with anticipation about your plots. Now I feel like, you drive me crazy by being so fucking stubborn. You just don't leave. You have seen me, seen me exactly for who I am, what an absolute waste I have become and yet, you stay. You stay and suffer, because for some idiotic reason, you won't be happy anywhere without me. I don't understand why you won't be, but god fucking damn it, Baz, it just-"

I inhale, feeling tears sting my eyes.

"-it just makes me love you so much more. I don't want to hurt you, I don't want to burden you, but that's what I have become. Why can't you see that? Why don't you understand that I have nothing to give you? I just take and never give you anything except pain. I'm sorry, I never wanted it to be like this, like this shit show. I always wanted to keep you happy but I suck at that. I do love you, though. I do, if that counts for anything. I just- fucking hell."

I don't say anything else. I can't.

It's too much.

**BAZ**

It's too much.

"You are an absolute fucking disaster, Simon Snow."

Snow yelps, as he gives me a wide eyed look full of surprise and horror, before he quickly gets away from me, wrapping his arms around himself in a defensive position.

I want to kick myself right now for saying that out loud and consequently forcing him to pull himself away, but I am just so done. I am _so_ done with this. 

I don't know if I am extremely mad right now, or if I am going to start crying because Simon Snow just confessed his love for me while I was "sleeping".

"What- how much- how much did you hear?" He all but stutters.

"Pretty much everything." I reply flatly, but I can hear the cracks in my own voice. Oh god, not in economy class. Nope.

"I- Baz-"

"No." I snarl, and I'm actually crying now (ugh, fuck), “No, I-”

"Err, sir?"

Simon and I both look up to see a pretty air hostess standing near us and who is barely masking her perplexed expression with a Barbie smile. 

“Sir, we'd be landing shortly. Please fasten your seatbelts.” She says mechanically, jutting her chin slightly towards Simon and me, before moving ahead.

For fucking fucks sake, we cannot have _one_ conversation without someone interrupting it.

“Baz-”

“No. Not now.” I shake my head. “This is not the place. But we need to talk, we really really fucking need to talk. And we are going to do that as soon as we get out of here.”

Simon's mouth is a hard, sullen line but he nods anyway.

“And Snow?” 

He grunts in response, not meeting my eyes.

“The reason why I wouldn't be happy anywhere without you is because I fucking _love_ you. Idiotic, right? So stupid of me to love you despite the fact you have become a "waste", because only perfect, flawless people deserve love, do they not? And I- I never think of you as someone who is a waste, for fuck's sake. Why can't you see that? Why- Ugh."

The words get all choked up in my throat and I wipe away my tears and shut up after that. Partly because I know I can't say anything more without breaking down completely and partly because my ears hurt like a bitch. (They always do while landing)

Snow doesn't reply. He just rubs his face with both of his hands and turns away from me. His shoulders are shaking and I am tempted to reach out and calm him down but I... I don't think I should. I don't think I can. 

I never thought I'd tell him the biggest truth of my life like this, half crying on a transatlantic flight with my ears feeling like they are about to fall off. But really, I feel this was bound to happen. Our relationship has been synonymous with chaos, of course my declaration of love happened like that.

“Hey, Baz?” 

I look up to see Bunce twisted in her seat in front of me.

“Yeah, so I was thinking- Wait, are you okay? Why are you crying?”

“I'm fine.” I snap at her. “My ears just hurt too much.”

Fine is the last thing I am right now. I'm so not fine, I am so fucking _not_ fine. I want to jump out of this plane right now. Fucking Crowley, I just want to have one private sob session after this shit show. Just one. I need it. After everything that I have been through, I think I have bloody well earned it.

Bunce looks unconvinced and her eyes slide towards Simon, who's staring resolutely out of the window. I am pretty sure she is about to ask me about him but Shepard interrupts her, and for once I am so fucking glad he does.

“Dude, I know the perfect cure for ear pain.” Shepard says, handing me a little strip of gum. “Keep chewing it. I swear it helps.”

“Thanks.” I say after a moment, blinking at him. “So, what were you saying, Bunce?”

“Yeah, so I was saying that we are going to stop at Wellbeloves first. Agatha needs her wand and we need Simon to get checked, just to be sure that he is healed. After that, we head straight to Watford.”

I raise my hands in surrender.

“You know best.”

“Yeah.” Bunce nods, smirking, and then her expression softens and she gives me a little smile. “You'll be fine, Basilton.”

I nod and put the gum in my mouth so that I don't have to reply.

**SIMON**

We are sitting in Agatha's home. To be more specific, in the empty living room of the Wellbeloves and I feel like I am going to puke. And also cry. Jesus Christ.

My check up with Mr. Wellbelove hardly took more than half an hour, with him mostly showering me with dozens of spells and after he was satisfied, he gave me a potion to drink that tasted like goblin piss. I don't know what it was supposed to do, all I know is that I really want to brush my teeth.

He was bloody well shocked to see us all on his doorstep without any notice. Mrs. Wellbelove is not at home, so she was immediately notified as well. Agatha looked uncomfortable, she was seeing him after a long time after all, but she did give him a hug. And then she made a beeline for her bedroom to retrieve her wand.

Penny wanted to leave as soon I'd got checked up but Mr. Wellbelove insisted that he made sure the rest of us were okay too. I think he just wanted to delay us a little so that Agatha could meet her mum too. Pen tried her best to protest but Shepard was enthusiastic about it, he said he wanted to see how magickal doctors work. (Baz opted out of it, though) (I wish he hadn't. He had got fucking shot multiple times) 

He is currently sitting next to me on the sofa in and his hands are folded across his chest. His eyes are narrowed and even though he is trying is best to school his expression into that of indifference, I can see that he is seconds from bursting into tears. (He's been weepy ever since we boarded the flight)

I was supposed to break up with him. This conversation was supposed to be our final one and then he would have been free of me and I would have spent rest of my life missing him. 

“We have only half an hour, Snow.” Baz says, clearing his throat and pulling me out my thoughts. "Bunce and Wellbelove would soon be back. So we really need to hurry up, even though I know this conversation needs more time and privacy."

"Yeah." I nod. I don't know how to start. I open my mouth trying to say something, then shut it again.

“Simon?”

His voice is too soft, too caring.

Before I even know it, I am crying. And not just the silent, tragic heroine kind of crying, the full on fucking ugly, gross sobbing. 

“Why?” I blubber in between all the snot and tears that are threatening to choke me. “Why don't you always call me- call me Simon?”

Baz, who had been looking shocked at my outburst, blinks like I have slapped him.

“Why am I always Snow to you? Why are you always so- so guarded? Why didn't you ever tell me what I mean to you? I- I know I haven't been very clear either. I know I have been hurting you but I- I don't know. I just don't fucking know. I'm stupid, I know I have fucked it up between us, I know that if it's over, then it's because of me, but fucking hell Baz,-”

I shake my head, and suddenly I am reaching forward to clasp Baz's hand. He lets me take it and I see that he is crying too. The thing which had been holding him back from tears for so long has finally broken, and he looks so raw, so painfully open right now.

"I almost lost you in America. I _can't_ let you go. In any way, I cannot lose you. I am sorry for hurting you. I-" 

Baz touches me gingerly me on my arm and when I don't pull away, he gives it a squeeze. Fuck, I had missed this. I had missed his small, gentle touches. Brief, but so full of comfort.

"Shh. I'm sorry too." He says. "Sorry for not telling you how important you are to me. I always thought- I always thought I could let things go poetically unsaid and let you figure out yourself about how much I care for you but somethings need to be said. There is nothing poetic about not telling you that I love you."

"Do you really love me?" I sound like a child right now but fuck, it feels too good to be true.

"I do." Baz says seriously. "I have, ever since I was fifteen."

"I was something then." I mutter, tugging at my hair. Baz gently pulls my hand away. "A chosen one, for fuck's sake."

"You still are. I have said this before and I will say this again. I will keep saying this till the day you believe me: Simon Snow, I _choose_ you."

That is all it takes for me to burst into fresh tears. I collapse into Baz's arms and he holds me close to him. I had forgotten how comforting his embrace is. How warm he could be, how much he cares. It is all making sense now, everything he ever did, it's all making sense.

He stayed with me for so long, suffering quietly and never saying a word, not because he had got hung up on honor but because he loves me. I blocked him out but he still stuck around. I got so afraid of being seen for who I am but he still thinks I am not a waste. He got shot in America, was scorched by the sun and was starving the entire time but he took it all in stride, never complaining. 

I love him. I love him for that and more. Always.

I had thought we would end in flames. But we will survive after all. Get through this phase, get past this together. As long as he stays with me, I'll get through. He is all I need.


End file.
